The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move =
out
of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That =
does
not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there =
and
laugh.
Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have =
been
for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just discovered the =
Demon
Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my window.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to =
bring in
groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come =
true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to
catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room
floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a =
hammock.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help =
installing a
new board in her computer.
I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the
speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.
I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.
I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important
emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.
Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters), stay in the house and =
any
wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not allowed to =
set
the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.
I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have =
sharp
hooves and could hurt me if they weren't laughing so hard.
I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to =
sleep
once in a while.
The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in =
its
bowl.
I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it to stay there =
until
I get hungry.
I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.
I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of =
the
refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the
underside.
I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing =
things
in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff
that's there now like "MEAN!!" "BITER!!!" and "GET HELP!!!!!"
I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose =
at
2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.
I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they =
chase me
or how hard they pull my tail.
If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the =
scars
resemble a botched suicide attempt.
If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is
much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach, even if it =
isn't as
tasty.
I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will not =
get
high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor afterwards. I =
will
not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl or =
the
tub. And I will not try to make tea with used socks, dirty panties or =
hair
scrunches when my humans take the catnip toy away from me.
A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.
